My Meandering Thoughts

My Meandering Thoughts

- By Fancyinheels

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Nine

Why is a Christmas tree better than a woman?  I've collected a reason for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas:

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you pay more attention to your power tools. 

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in a box in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get offended if you look up underneath it.

6. When you're done with a Christmas tree, you can toss it to the curb with yesterday's trash.  

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't mind if you watch football all day in your Santa Claus underwear.   

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

10. Nobody complains when the Christmas tree sits there like a chunk of wood.

11. A Christmas tree doesn't care if the neighbor's holiday lights are prettier.

12. A Christmas tree doesn't care about the size, age, or shape of your bulbs.


Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Eight

The following is a Fancy original.  If you steal it, send a royalty.  Fancyinheels  


A portly man is about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus, red suit and all. 

"Why are you doing this?" Santa asks.  "It's Christmas Eve.  Be merry!"

"I lost my job," the man responds.  "I used to be mayor, got into drugs, made an ass out of myself and the city in every media outlet in the world, got stripped of all my power, my beautiful wife left and took the condo, the sports car, the cash, and my stash with her."   


"That is sad, eh?  Tell you what; I can grant you 3 wishes," replied Santa, "When you get up in the morning, your status, wealth, and wife will be waiting for you, and there will be some rock candy in your stocking on me." 


"OMG Santa!" gasps the astonished man.  "How can I repay you?"


"Hmmm....not a lot of people know this," comes the reply with a twinkle in his eye, "but old Santa is as gay as Paris in April.  You could bend over for me.  The elves aren't much good at that, and the animal activists get on me about the reindeer games." 


"Uh, I dunno aboot that," the man nervously says. 


"Oh, come go on," Santa urges.  "After all, I granted you 3 wishes.  Don't be such an ungrateful dogger."

"Well," the man sighs.  "I kinda buttfucked myself already, so okay."  He unzips and drops his trousers.


Santa slides down the guy's chimney, and when finished the man pulls his pants back up, wincing a little.


Santa looks at the man and asks, "How old are you?"


"I'm 44," the fellow replies. 


"What?  And you still believe in Santa?  Have you been smoking crack?" 



Moral: Don't believe a guy in a red suit who wants to get jolly unless he has a sleigh and 8 flying reindeer with him... and get the presents FIRST.


Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Seven

Santa's Ups and Downs


Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Sex, er, Six

Breast Wishes!

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... And Low Blows.



Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Five

Your Holiday Month at a Glance


Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown continues: Day Four

Had a couple of back-to-back personal losses in my family, so the countdown was delayed.  My tart and sassy attitude is returning, so let's go back to seasonal satire:


Christmas Goes to the Dogs


Wreck the tree and blame the doggies!

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Three

Santa needs to get clearance for take-off next time.






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