My Meandering Thoughts

My Meandering Thoughts

- By Fancyinheels

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 5

SANTA HAS A TOUGH JOB

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Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 6

(This bit is particularly naughty.  You have been warned.) 

 

THE OLD LADY AT THE PEARLY GATES

 

An old lady dies on Christmas Eve and goes to Heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates about her fruitcaske recipe and the joys of rum-spiked eggnog when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"My goodness!" exclaims the old lady.  "What is happening?"

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter.  "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks more than a wee bit uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more terrifying screams.

"Oh my stars!" says the old lady.  "Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," explains St. Peter.  "That's just someone having their head drilled to fit the halo."

Shaking her head, the old lady starts shuffling backward.  "I can't do this. I'm off down to Hell to greet the Devil."

"You can't go there!" exclaims St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Sure," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 7

Twelve Days  of Downsizing

 

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

  1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
  2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
  3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
  4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
  5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
  6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
  7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
  8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
  9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
  10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
  11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
  12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

 

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 8

Three Wise Men at the Pearly Gates

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this Holy Season," Saint Peter informed them, "you each must possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's." 

 

And he passed through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter laughing behind him.

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 9

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

 

SCHIZOPHRENIA - 
Do You Hear What I Hear?


MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

- OR -
Do They Know It's Christmas?


DEMENTIA - 
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISM - 
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - 
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Office and Town and and ...

- OR -

Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - 
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER - 
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why


DEPRESSION -
Silent Night, Lonely Night

BIPOLAR DISORDER - 
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and I Hope That Your Stupid Grandma Gets Run Over By a Reindeer


SEXUAL ADDICTION -
O Come, All Ye Faithful

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas  

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

MASOCHISM -
All I Want for Christmas Is To Be Beat

SADISM -
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Just Before She Got the Whip Out


DELUSIONS -
I Believe In Santa Claus

ANTISOCIAL DISORDER -
Home Alone for Christmas

ALCOHOLISM -

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Happy Hour

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -

Silent Night/Now the Bells Ring

ACUTE STRESS DISORDER -
Christmas Time Is Here and I Haven't Finished Shopping Yet and My Cards are Late and I Haven't Hung the Lights and I Haven't Baked Santa's Cookies and I Haven't Bought the Turkey and I'm Not Ready, I'm Not Ready!!!

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 10

While you're admiring your festive tree this Christmas Eve, consider the real story behind the birth of a beloved tradition:


SANTA'S BAD DAY

 

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual world tour, but problems were popping up everywhere.

 

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit through New Year's.   

Frosty the Snowman told Santa that he'd better hustle and get airborne, as there was a blizzard approaching. 


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that Blixen was about to give birth, and Dancer had taken off with Rudolph to play reindeer games. 


When he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys all over.  When he bent to pick them up, he heard a tearing sound, and discovered he had ripped the center seam out of his red trousers. 

Exasperated, Santa went into the house for a cup of hot apple cider and a shot of whiskey.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had been into the liquor again and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He slipped on a broken shard and ended up on his jolly, fat rump.  His face now red as his winter suit and growling under his breath, Santa went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw completely away, leaving only the handle.    

Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened it to find a cute little angel smiling from ear to ear with a great big Christmas tree in tow.

The perky fellow was just full of enthusiasm, joy, and cheer.  He fluttered his wings, and with a flourish of harp music, said, "Merry
Christmas, Santa!  Isn't it a lovely day? Oh, I am so happy that Christmas is here again!  It's such an inspiring time of year.  Everything is so colorful and sparkly.  Don't you just love the hustle and bustle?  Santa, I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown: Day 11

Another parody to the tune of, "A Holly, Jolly Christmas."

 

A Nicely Naughty Christmas    Fancyinheels 


Have a nicely naughty Christmas!
It's the breast time of the year!
Kiss a pretty elf
With an ample shelf
And a snow-pale "spank me" rear!

Have a nicely naughty Christmas!
It's the breast time of the year!
The thick eggnog

From your yule log
Will fill her cup with cheer!

Oh, ho! The mistletoe's
Hung around your tree.
A Fancy lassie waits for you
Down on bended knee.

Have a nicely naughty Christmas!
It's the breast time of the year!
Enjoy a sleigh ride
Or a full body slide,
Just get your chestnuts over here!

 

 

Ho, ho, now talk about an ungrateful ho:

 

Funny adult christmas cartoon Funny adult christmas cartoon

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