My Meandering Thoughts

My Meandering Thoughts

- By Fancyinheels

Fancy's Top Ten 2014 New Year's Resolutions

Well, a little tardy (and nooo, I haven't been hungover since January 1st), but here's Fancy's Top Ten 2014 New Year's Resolutions:           Fancyinheels 

 

10. More boners for my gentlemen.

 

9.  More bones for my doggy.

 

8.  More doggy for ME.

 

7.  I will stop considering chocolate a food group.

 

6.  I will consider using a treadmill as something other than a coat rack.  (Maybe if I dangle a piece of chocolate in front....)  I don't understand.  Last year I asked God for a thinner body and a fatter bank account.  Evidently he got confused. 

 

5.  I will try for more variety in my life.... short men, tall men, plump men, skinny men .... Oh, wait, I'm already doing that.  Okay.... Not just Jameson and Bushmills Irish Whiskeys, but Tyrconnell, Greenore, Concannon, Michael Collins, Connemara, Kilbeggan, and Redbreast for a breasty redhead!

 

4.  I will have my liver checked.  (See #5.)

 

3.  I will resurrect "Fancy Tips for EEE: Enriched Erotic Enjoyment," a feature on my old website's blog.  Some of you lusty gentlemen might find these hints helpful in getting you more satisfying action in the bedroom.  Your woman will stop pretending to be asleep, or won't just snore through it and tell you the next morning that she dreamed about a gerkin last night while she dives into the Claussen dill pickle jar for breakfast.    

 

2.  I will go somewhere that doesn't have "TX" in the mailing address.  I love to travel, and as a tart and sassy companion I've been Irish lucky and visited many lovely places -- Hawaii, Costa Rica, St. Lucia, Cozumel, Key West, NYC, Vegas, New Orleans, London, Paris  --  but not lately.  I'm getting restless.  My passport is gathering dust.  My suitcases are dry-rotting.  I need to find my leprechaunian roots.  Dammit, I still need to join the Mile High Club! 

 

And my top resolution for the year:

 

1.  To write "2014" instead of "2013" on my checks.  

  

HAPPY NUDE LEER! 

 

New-year-resolution-funny

 

Fancy's twelve twisted days of christmas 2013 finale

To conclude my 12-day 2013 Twisted Christmas Countdown, I give you an original Fancy carol, sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree."     Fancyinheels 


O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
Swelling with lustful glee.
 

We gave your dick a nickname

So we could play a reindeer game

You're dressed like Santa; I'm your sleigh
Your present is a Christmas lay.

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
Please stuff my stocking fully.

Hang mistletoe off your belt
You'll get licked and fondly felt
Jingle bells will chime and ring
I'll play chimney with your thing.

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
Shove it hard inside of me.

Get out the lube so we'll enjoy
some slip 'n slide with a toy
Silent Night is outta here
My moans resound in your ear.

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
pound me unapologetically.

I want a cig, but I don't smoke
Santa's got quite a stroke
A glass of Irish Whiskey, neat
A little break and we'll repeat.

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
You made Fancy jolly!

 


   Happy Howlidaze to all, and to all a good night!  --  Fancy, the Redheaded Vixen

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Eleven

While you're admiring your festive tree this Christmas Eve, consider the real story behind the birth of a beloved tradition:



SANTA'S BAD DAY

 

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so jolly Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit, stressing Santa even more.

Frosty the Snowman told Santa that he'd better hurry, as there was a blizzard approaching, making Santa more anxious.  


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had gone stag and jumped the fence.  Oh, deer!

As he was loading the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering presents everywhere.  When he bent to pick them up, he heard a tearing sound, and discovered he had ripped the center seam out of his red trousers. 


Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had finished off the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his annoyance, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He slipped on a broken shard and ended up on his jolly, fat rump.  Growling under his breath, his face now red as his winter suit, Santa went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw completely away, leaving only a stick.  

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable, impatient, and downright irked Santa trudged to the door. He opened it, and before him stood a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"

 


Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Ten

Twelve reasons why a Christmas tree is better than a man:

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small Christmas trees give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't mind if you wear a flannel nightgown, curlers, and face cream to bed.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

10. It's okay for a Christmas tree to be fresh.

11. If a Christmas tree is too big around the middle, you can always trim it.

12. Christmas trees never stare at other trees, or their decorations.

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Nine

Why is a Christmas tree better than a woman?  I've collected a reason for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas:
 

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you pay more attention to your power tools. 

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in a box in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get offended if you look up underneath it.

6. When you're done with a Christmas tree, you can toss it to the curb with yesterday's trash.  

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't mind if you watch football all day in your Santa Claus underwear.   

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

10. Nobody complains when the Christmas tree sits there like a chunk of wood.

11. A Christmas tree doesn't care if the neighbor's holiday lights are prettier.

12. A Christmas tree doesn't care about the size, age, or shape of your bulbs.


 

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Eight

The following is a Fancy original.  If you steal it, send a royalty.  Fancyinheels  

 

A portly man is about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus, red suit and all. 


"Why are you doing this?" Santa asks.  "It's Christmas Eve.  Be merry!"


"I lost my job," the man responds.  "I used to be mayor, got into drugs, made an ass out of myself and the city in every media outlet in the world, got stripped of all my power, my beautiful wife left and took the condo, the sports car, the cash, and my stash with her."   

 

"That is sad, eh?  Tell you what; I can grant you 3 wishes," replied Santa, "When you get up in the morning, your status, wealth, and wife will be waiting for you, and there will be some rock candy in your stocking on me." 

 

"OMG Santa!" gasps the astonished man.  "How can I repay you?"

 

"Hmmm....not a lot of people know this," comes the reply with a twinkle in his eye, "but old Santa is as gay as Paris in April.  You could bend over for me.  The elves aren't much good at that, and the animal activists get on me about the reindeer games." 

 

"Uh, I dunno aboot that," the man nervously says. 

 

"Oh, come go on," Santa urges.  "After all, I granted you 3 wishes.  Don't be such an ungrateful dogger."


"Well," the man sighs.  "I kinda buttfucked myself already, so okay."  He unzips and drops his trousers.

 

Santa slides down the guy's chimney, and when finished the man pulls his pants back up, wincing a little.

 

Santa looks at the man and asks, "How old are you?"

 

"I'm 44," the fellow replies. 

 

"What?  And you still believe in Santa?  Have you been smoking crack?" 

 

 

Moral: Don't believe a guy in a red suit who wants to get jolly unless he has a sleigh and 8 flying reindeer with him... and get the presents FIRST.

 

Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas: Day Seven

Santa's Ups and Downs

 

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