Well, we've been counting down the 12 Days of Christmas, but now let's take a moment to count the 7 Types of Sex:
The 1st type of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd type of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, including the kitchen counter, and it's hotter than anything you have cooking on the stove.
The 3rd type of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been married for a while. You've sunk into a routine and you usually have sex only in the bedroom, and fall asleep right after.
The 4th type of sex is called Hallway Sex. This occurs after you have been with your spouse for way too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, "Screw you."
The 5th type of sex is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, Nun at night, and Oh, God, you wish you could get some.
The 6th type of sex is called Courtroom Sex. This is when your wife can't stand you anymore, so she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
Lastly, the 7th type of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on.
Being the season of giving, let me give you one more type: Holiday Sex, which is when I slide down your chimney and you stuff my stocking, and we both have a jolly time.
A LESSON IN APPRECIATION
Gail came came home early from Christmas shopping and found her husband, Fred, getting a blowjob from an attractive young woman under the mistletoe. Of course, Gail was beyond upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she screamed, stalking into the bedroom and pulling out a suitcase. "How dare you do this to me, your faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
Fred, zipping up his pants as he followed her, replied, "Hang on just a minute, please, Gail, so I can at least tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but those will be the last words you'll ever say to me!"
He began to relate his story. "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home from the company Christmas lunch and the young lady approached me and asked for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was pale and thin, not dressed very warmly for the weather, and dirty.
"She told me that she was homeless and hadn't eaten for three days! So, this being the season of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're always dieting. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested that she take a bath and use the scented soap I bought you that you won't use 'cause you said it smelled cheap. While she was soaking I started to wash wash her clothes, but they were so dirty and torn that I threw them away.
"She needed something to wear, so I gave her the designer jeans my mother got you, the ones that have been hanging in the back of the closet for 3 years because you say they make your butt look big. I also gave her the red cashmere sweater I bought you last Christmas, still in the box since you said it made your skin look sallow, and the expensive underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn't like because I don't have good taste.
"I found the sexy white lace blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that exclusive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them. I let her use the make-up kit I gave you for your birthday that you don't use 'cause you said I'm blind and the colors are all wrong for your skin tone.
Fred took a quick breath and continued, "She was very grateful for everything, said that she really appreciated my understanding and help in brightening her holidays. As I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said....
"Please, sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
With the celebratory holiday season upon us, this is an important public service advisory regarding planned social gatherings and subsequent appreciation of such parties. Please use the listing below as a reference.
Gauging the level of your Christmas Party:
Festivity Level 1
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, hugging under the mistletoe, sipping at their drinks, and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2
Your guests are talking loudly, sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, French kissing under the mistletoe, gulping their drinks, and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3
Your guests are arguing with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, "Dirty Dancing" under the mistletoe, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are smoking the mistletoe and performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing, and the bartender ran off screaming an hour ago.
Festivity Level 5
You don't want to know.
You may want to keep the spiking of the eggnog down to a minimum in order not to exceed Level 3, unless you rent a home out in BFE and own firearms, in which case your party can go to level 4. Level 5 may require legal counsel on long-term retainer and/or subsequent funeral arrangements, so plan accordingly.
(This bit is particularly naughty. You have been warned.)
THE OLD LADY AT THE PEARLY GATES
An old lady dies on Christmas Eve and goes to Heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates about her fruitcaske recipe and the joys of rum-spiked eggnog when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"My goodness!" exclaims the old lady. "What is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks more than a wee bit uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more terrifying screams.
"Oh my stars!" says the old lady. "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," explains St. Peter. "That's just someone having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady starts shuffling backward. "I can't do this. I'm off down to Hell to greet the Devil."
"You can't go there!" exclaims St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
Twelve Days of Downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
- We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Three Wise Men at the Pearly Gates
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this Holy Season," Saint Peter informed them, "you each must possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And he passed through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter laughing behind him.