A portly man is about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus, red suit and all.
"Why are you doing this?" Santa asks. "It's Christmas Eve. Be merry!"
"I lost my job," the man responds. "I used to be mayor, got into drugs, made an ass out of myself and the city in every media outlet in the world, got stripped of all my power, my beautiful wife left and took the condo, the sports car, the cash, and my stash with her."
"That is sad, eh? Tell you what; I can grant you 3 wishes," replied Santa, "When you get up in the morning, your status, wealth, and wife will be waiting for you, and there will be some rock candy in your stocking on me."
"OMG Santa!" gasps the astonished man. "How can I repay you?"
"Hmmm....not a lot of people know this," comes the reply with a twinkle in his eye, "but old Santa is as gay as Paris in April. You could bend over for me. The elves aren't much good at that, and the animal activists get on me about the reindeer games."
"Uh, I dunno aboot that," the man nervously says.
"Oh, come go on," Santa urges. "After all, I granted you 3 wishes. Don't be such an ungrateful dogger."
"Well," the man sighs. "I kinda buttfucked myself already, so okay." He unzips and drops his trousers.
Santa slides down the guy's chimney, and when finished the man pulls his pants back up, wincing a little.
Santa looks at the man and asks, "How old are you?"
"I'm 44," the fellow replies.
"What? And you still believe in Santa? Have you been smoking crack?"
Moral: Don't believe a guy in a red suit who wants to get jolly unless he has a sleigh and 8 flying reindeer with him... and get the presents FIRST.