My Meandering Thoughts

My Meandering Thoughts

- By Fancyinheels

it's that time again! Fancy's twelve twisted days of christmas countdown: Day 12

Another 365 has blitzed by and here we are spiking the eggnog again.  Once more, as my rather unique contribution to holiday cheer, I present an off-kilter 12-day countdown to Christmas, a dirty dozen tart tidbits to counteract the molasses-sweet stuff being piped at us through the TV, radio, and over the speakers in every office and mall. 

 

Being the time of year for coughing as well as caroling, coupled with the fact that I was recently down and out with the crud, I'm kicking off this advent of dement calendar with my completely original take on the Christmas classic, "Jingle Bells."  (And if you steal it to pass on, at least credit me.) 

 

 

FLU SEASON ODE TO THE PHARMACY  Fancyinheels 

 

Dashing through the store

In search of nasal sprays

Before the viscous mucus

From a nostril strays.

 

Joining other zombies

Staring at each shelf

Hoping for a magic cure

Like a toy from Santa's elf.

 

Jingle bells, sneezing spells,

Coughing all the way.

Oh, no fun it is to bide

'Til the virus goes away!

 

Mounds of Kleenex pile

Like snow drifts on my bed.

I've drunk so much NyQuil

I feel dizzy in my head.

 

 

Every muscle aches.

I cannot taste or smell.

The ringing in my ear

Will drive me straight to hell. 

 

Jingle bells, sneezing spells,

Coughing all the way.

Oh, no fun it is to bide

'Til the virus goes away!

 

Here come the chills and fever;

Just call me Shake 'n Bake.

Ladle me some chicken soup.

Vick's Vapor Rub I'll take.

 

I've nearly broke the bank

on syrups, drops, and pills.

No remedy has worked.

I'm out of Tamiflu refills.

 

Jingle bells, sneezing spells,

Coughing all the way.

Oh, no fun it is to bide

'Til the virus goes away!

 

Just like the doctor ordered

I had the goddamned shot.

He's more quack than Daffy Duck

'Cause now I drown in snot.

 

Next year I'll skip the clinic,

CVS and Walgreen's, too.

A rabbit's foot might work as well

At staving off the flu.

 

Jingle bells, sneezing spells,

Coughing all the way.

Oh, no fun it is to bide

'Til the virus goes away!  Hey!

Halloween goes to the dogs

     

Grammar Police

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House," for instance, is feminine.  "La casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine.  "El lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender would 'computer' be?" 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The male group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender, "la computadora," because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it. 

The female group, however, concluded that a "computer" should be masculine, "el computador," because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Murphy's Memory

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.  He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ye decided t' attend to Mass, lad. What made ye come?"

 

Murphy replied, "I got t' be honest with ye Father; a while back, I misplaced me hat an' I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat jest like mine an' I knew he came t' church every Sunday. I also knew that he had t' take off his hat during Mass.  I figured he would leave it in the back of the church, so, I was going t' leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 

The priest, a wee bit taken aback, responded, "Would've been a shameful deed in the House of God, but I see that ye didn't take McGlynn's hat.  What changed yer mind, Murphy?"

 

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard yer sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." 

 

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and a firm pat on the back.  "Good man!  After I discussed, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' ye decided ye would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, eh?" 

 

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ye talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

God has a sense of humor

              

And God promised man that
good, obedient, reasonable,
and predictable wives
would be found in all
corners of the world. Then
he made the earth round... 
and laughed, and laughed,
and laughed, and laughed.

 

Moral:  Rent, don't own.

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which his father matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replies the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

 

The dad says, "Those are for high school boys; ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the man answers.  "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" Exclaims the boy, who then picks up a twelve-pack and asks, "So, Dad, who uses THESE?"

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men; ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..."

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