While you're admiring your festive tree this Christmas Eve, consider the real story behind the birth of a beloved tradition:
SANTA'S BAD DAY
Twelve reasons why a Christmas tree is better than a man:
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small Christmas trees give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't mind if you wear a flannel nightgown, curlers, and face cream to bed.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. It's okay for a Christmas tree to be fresh.
11. If a Christmas tree is too big around the middle, you can always trim it.
12. Christmas trees never stare at other trees, or their decorations.
Why is a Christmas tree better than a woman? I've collected a reason for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas:
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you've had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you pay more attention to your power tools.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in a box in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get offended if you look up underneath it.
6. When you're done with a Christmas tree, you can toss it to the curb with yesterday's trash.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't mind if you watch football all day in your Santa Claus underwear.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
10. Nobody complains when the Christmas tree sits there like a chunk of wood.
11. A Christmas tree doesn't care if the neighbor's holiday lights are prettier.
12. A Christmas tree doesn't care about the size, age, or shape of your bulbs.
A portly man is about to jump off a bridge into an icy river when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus, red suit and all.
"Why are you doing this?" Santa asks. "It's Christmas Eve. Be merry!"
"I lost my job," the man responds. "I used to be mayor, got into drugs, made an ass out of myself and the city in every media outlet in the world, got stripped of all my power, my beautiful wife left and took the condo, the sports car, the cash, and my stash with her."
"That is sad, eh? Tell you what; I can grant you 3 wishes," replied Santa, "When you get up in the morning, your status, wealth, and wife will be waiting for you, and there will be some rock candy in your stocking on me."
"OMG Santa!" gasps the astonished man. "How can I repay you?"
"Hmmm....not a lot of people know this," comes the reply with a twinkle in his eye, "but old Santa is as gay as Paris in April. You could bend over for me. The elves aren't much good at that, and the animal activists get on me about the reindeer games."
"Uh, I dunno aboot that," the man nervously says.
"Oh, come go on," Santa urges. "After all, I granted you 3 wishes. Don't be such an ungrateful dogger."
"Well," the man sighs. "I kinda buttfucked myself already, so okay." He unzips and drops his trousers.
Santa slides down the guy's chimney, and when finished the man pulls his pants back up, wincing a little.
Santa looks at the man and asks, "How old are you?"
"I'm 44," the fellow replies.
"What? And you still believe in Santa? Have you been smoking crack?"
Moral: Don't believe a guy in a red suit who wants to get jolly unless he has a sleigh and 8 flying reindeer with him... and get the presents FIRST.
Santa's Ups and Downs
... And Low Blows.
Your Holiday Month at a Glance