With the celebratory holiday season upon us, this is an important public service advisory regarding planned social gatherings and subsequent appreciation of such parties. Please use the listing below as a reference.
Gauging the level of your Christmas Party:
Festivity Level 1
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, hugging under the mistletoe, sipping at their drinks, and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2
Your guests are talking loudly, sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, French kissing under the mistletoe, gulping their drinks, and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3
Your guests are arguing with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, "Dirty Dancing" under the mistletoe, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are smoking the mistletoe and performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing, and the bartender ran off screaming an hour ago.
Festivity Level 5
You don't want to know.
You may want to keep the spiking of the eggnog down to a minimum in order not to exceed Level 3, unless you rent a home out in BFE and own firearms, in which case your party can go to level 4. Level 5 may require legal counsel on long-term retainer and/or subsequent funeral arrangements, so plan accordingly.
(This bit is particularly naughty. You have been warned.)
THE OLD LADY AT THE PEARLY GATES
An old lady dies on Christmas Eve and goes to Heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates about her fruitcaske recipe and the joys of rum-spiked eggnog when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"My goodness!" exclaims the old lady. "What is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks more than a wee bit uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more terrifying screams.
"Oh my stars!" says the old lady. "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," explains St. Peter. "That's just someone having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady starts shuffling backward. "I can't do this. I'm off down to Hell to greet the Devil."
"You can't go there!" exclaims St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
Twelve Days of Downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
- We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Three Wise Men at the Pearly Gates
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this Holy Season," Saint Peter informed them, "you each must possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And he passed through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter laughing behind him.
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
- OR -
Do They Know It's Christmas?
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Office and Town and and ...
- OR -
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why
Silent Night, Lonely Night
BIPOLAR DISORDER -
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and I Hope That Your Stupid Grandma Gets Run Over By a Reindeer
SEXUAL ADDICTION -
O Come, All Ye Faithful
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
All I Want for Christmas Is To Be Beat
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Just Before She Got the Whip Out
I Believe In Santa Claus
ANTISOCIAL DISORDER -
Home Alone for Christmas
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Happy Hour
Silent Night/Now the Bells Ring
ACUTE STRESS DISORDER -
Christmas Time Is Here and I Haven't Finished Shopping Yet and My Cards are Late and I Haven't Hung the Lights and I Haven't Baked Santa's Cookies and I Haven't Bought the Turkey and I'm Not Ready, I'm Not Ready!!!