My Meandering Thoughts

My Meandering Thoughts

- By Fancyinheels

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which his father matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replies the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package?"

 

The dad says, "Those are for high school boys; ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the man answers.  "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" Exclaims the boy, who then picks up a twelve-pack and asks, "So, Dad, who uses THESE?"

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, "Those are for married men; ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..."

Free Chinese Guard Dog

 

Free to good home in right neighborhood.

 

 

Excellent guard dog, hale and hearty.


However, owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore as there are no more crack dealers, sexual predators, murderers, robbers, thieves, door-to-door salesmen, or campaigning politicians left in the neighborhood for him to eat.


Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name:

 

Ho Lee Schitt!

 

The Irish and art

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
 
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would ye like t' know what the painting is REALLY about?"

"Now, why would ye claim t' be mor' of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the wife.

"Because I'm the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "There's no black fellows depicted, no gay inferences, no social implications a' all.  'Tis a very practical slice o' life.

"They’re jest three Irish coal miners. The guy 'n the middle went home for lunch."

 

Betty White is a goddess

happy st. paddy's day!

Ahhh, 'tis here again, my favorite excuse (as if I need another) for overindulging in drink and tomfoolery. (And Tom fools around quite well, as do Dick and Hairy.)

 

'Tis also a time for blarney, so here's a trio of naughty tales from the green to make you grin:

 

 

 

A very serious looking fellow in a suit was addressing a group of seated people, "I have a story to tell you, good ladies and gentlemen.  One sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest.  He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a forlorn frog sitting on a toadstool.

 

'What's wrong with you on this fine day that God gave us?' asked the priest.

 

'Well,' said the frog, 'I'm sad because I wasn't always a frog.'

 

'Really!' exclaimed the priest. 'What do you mean?'

 

'Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at the local church. I was skipping through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little lad, and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.'

 

'That's an incredible story,' said the priest. 'Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?'

 

'Yes,' said the frog, 'It is said that if a kind person would take me in to a loving environment, give me food and warmth, after a good night's sleep I would wake up a boy once again.  I'd be so happy and grateful.' 

 

'Today's your lucky day!' said the priest, who picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed....

 

"And that, members of the Jury," finished the attorney, "is the case for the Defense."

 

**************************************************

 

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young lassiel named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York, where she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her hometown on the Ol' Sod for a visit. 

 

On on a Saturday night she went to confession at the church she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She told him that she would be happy to demonstrate the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

 

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will ye jest look a' the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

 

**************************************************

 

Two inebriated leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you Little People?" asked the Mother. 

 

The larger and more sober-looking of the leprechauns asked, "Oh, Mother Superior, would ye' be knowin' o' any midget nuns 'ere a' the convent?"

 

"No," answers the Mother.  "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent."

 

"Sure, now, Mother, would ye be knowin' o' any midget nuns in all o' Ireland, then?"

 

"No, no," stated the Mother.  "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in Ireland at all."

 

"Aye.  Well, then, Mother, in all o' nundom, in the whole world o' nuns, would ye be knowin' o' any midget nuns?"

 

"No, I would not, as there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world." replied Mother Superior.  "Would you please tell me what this is all about?" 

 

The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said, "See?  I tol' ye all along, Angus.  Ye been feckin' a penguin."

 

What I DON'T want for Valentine's Day

As a professional companion, I am honored that kind, thoughtful, generous gentleman occasionally give me lovely things.  All ladies like gifts.  Caresses the feminine ego when you think of us and we aren't actually in the store with you to remind you what we like.*:P tongue   

 

Valentine's Day is this Friday, and if you're seeing someone special "on the side" regularly and wish to present with a token of your affection, here's a useful reference guide:

 

 

Thirteen Things NOT to Give Your Favorite Escort and/or Mistress for Valentine's Day                            Fancyinheels 

 

 

13.  Anything domestic (i.e. pots, pans, a rolling pin, an iron, a Swiffer mop, a vacuum cleaner) that she might use to whomp you over the head with for thinking of her as the hired help.  (If you want her to wear the French maid's outfit, just ask.)

 

12. Framed photo of you... and your wife.


11. Thong underwear from the resale shop.


10. Homeless kittens. (She already has a pussy for you to pet.)


9. Massage oil, unless you are going to use it on HER for a change.


8. Sugar-free chocolates. (Is that a HINT?)


7. Summer's Eve gift set. (Again, is that a HINT?)


6. Vibrating butt plug for a girl who doesn't speak Greek. (Something might get lost in translation and YOU will end up with it stuck on the dark side of your international date line.) 

 

5. Your punch card from the STD clinic good for a free six pack of cherry-flavored condoms.
 

4.  A box of sweets from the dollar store that expired before she bought her first pair of high heels.

 

3. Stockings you obviously purchased in someone else's size, since your provider is 5 inches taller and 20 lbs lighter.

 

2.  Flowers you picked.... from the cemetery, you cheap bastard.  (At least remember to remove the sympathy card.)

 

1. Personalized jewelry engraved with the wrong initials. (Who were you thinking of when you bought THAT? Even worse, did you give the one with your lover's initials to your wife?) 

 

 

Valentine's Day is not a time for practicality or penny-pinching.  Be whimsical and wonderful, and maybe the lady you lust after will double dip your candy stick. 

What the cop said...

These are real comments taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center ) 

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here."

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