Your Holiday Month at a Glance
Your Holiday Month at a Glance
Had a couple of back-to-back personal losses in my family, so the countdown was delayed. My tart and sassy attitude is returning, so let's go back to seasonal satire:
Christmas Goes to the Dogs
Santa needs to get clearance for take-off next time.
The Twelve Steps of Christmas
Welcome to an anal, er, um, I mean annual holiday tradition, Fancy's Twelve Twisted Days of Christmas Countdown! From now until Christmas Day, I won’t be posting the sugarplum drivel you’ll be subjected to in the “real world.” This blog is an equal opportunity offender, and nothing is sacred in Fancy’s world. When you get sick of piped-in Christmas carols at the mall, come here for my demented take on the season.
Day One: Ho-O, Ho-O, Ho-O
It’s a week ‘til Santa’s arrival, and two young guys appear in court after being arrested for merrily smoking dope behind the Christmas tree lot.
They end up standing before a judge with a portly belly, a long white beard, and more than a passing resemblance to Old Saint Nick, who says, "You seem like nice young men, and 'tis the season to be charitable. I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court on Christmas Eve."
So the night before Christmas, they return to the courtroom. The judge asks the first guy, "Okay, how did you do over the last few days?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people?” says the impressed judge. “That's wonderful! How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, your honor.” The fellow gets out a legal pad and demonstrates. “I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, young man?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" exclaims the judge incredulously. "156 people!!! How in jingle bells did you manage that?"
"Well, after a little rum-laced eggnog, I came up with the idea of using a similar diagram," the guy replies. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butthole before prison........’”
The jolly judge's ho, ho, ho decked the halls all the way down to traffic court.
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years and always had sex in the dark. Every time they made love, the husband insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 2 decades, one night the wife had enough of her husband's ridiculous, prudish behavior. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit, so later, when they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. She looked down and saw that her husband was wearing a large, flexible, realistic, vibrating strap-on cock.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said, "I'll explain the toy..... You explain the kids."
With thanks to my friend Douglas Rocket:
The sky was dark
The moon was high
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast-beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!